I have devised a simple and elegant way to lift America out of this recession by next week, or possibly sooner. I'm still working out the complicated policy language for the legislation, but I intend to have a draft bill ready to present to Congress and President Obama in about 15 minutes. Here's the gist of it:
Let's have a one week fire sale: a warehouse liquidation, you might say. Struggling corporations are laying off their employees, so why can't the federal government cut their dependent states? Think of it as "losing the dead weight". Here's how it goes: we give certain privileged nations a limited one day preferred purchase option. Precedence goes to the former colonizing owners of a given state. If they fail to meet our discounted minimum purchase price, then the states go into a one week-long auction. Now, we could hold that auction on Ebay, or at the steps of the U.S. Supreme Court. But I don't want to "cheapen" the experience for our potential buyers. Therefore the auction will be held at Christie's of London, and fine champagne and caviar will be provided. (Each bidder is limited to two food and beverage tickets.)
First on the chopping block is the doomed (I mean sunny and culturally significant) state of California. Spain will have the preferred purchase offer, but I have a feeling they will pass and Mexico will win it in the auction for 23 pesos (roughly $1.82). That's fine with us because that's $26.3 billion more than the state of California is currently worth.
Spain will also get an early chance to obtain New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, and Texas, all a part of their former colonies.
Florida will be offered in a pre-auction auction between Spain and England (former colonizers) and Germany (whose citizens love to travel here). Puerto Rico will be tacked-on to sweeten the deal.
France will be given the opportunity to buy back the entire Louisiana Purchase. I believe they will hold out for a better price, but a bidding war will erupt between France and Canada, who is looking to expand into warmer climates. The two nations will eventually compromise and split it into north/south territories, but America will ultimately score a hefty sack of gold for the sale. Win-win-win situation.
I also predict Canada will gain North Dakota, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, and Illinois. It's a good fit because they all like hockey and talk funny.
Russia will have a solid shot at Alaska. They can enjoy being cold together and drinking excessively.
We'll hold out from auctioning off Nevada. The plan is to wager it all on the craps table at the Bellagio. C'mon lucky sevens.
The Mormons can simply have Utah, free of charge. Glenn Beck will hastily establish a dictatorship.
I will buy Wyoming and Montana (using my position as Auction Czar to gain insider trading) for $3 and an old fraternity t-shirt. It's so damn beautiful up there. And I'll take out a 99-year ground lease on Oregon. I've always wanted to own a wine-producing state.
That will leave roughly the original 13 colonies, plus a handful of assorted states, under the control of the U.S. government. The country will be in excellent fiscal standing and will once again have the strongest economy in the world. Wham, bam, thank you m'am.
Common Since: Sell it all. Get out while the gettin's good. I'm going to run to the print shop after work and have some flyers drawn up.
That was awesome
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