College Football Season Is Here!

Hilarious summary of this year's Top 25:

http://deadspin.com/5620076/the-2010-haters-guide-to-the-top-25

I'm Convinced that Corrine Brown is a Member of MENSA

Our nation's most brilliant legislator strikes again. When speaking out against the movement to end gerrymandering (the practice of shaping districts to favor a particular demographic), Rep. Brown said this:

"Do you know who Gerry Mandering was? He was a white legislator that had a lot of power," she was quoted as saying. "And what we want to make sure is everybody has a fair opportunity to have representation in the United States Congress. In the House, the Senate, the city council and the school boards."

Gerry Mandering? Actually, Massachussetts Gov. and former U.S. Vice President Elbridge Gerry in 1812 signed into law a district that was said to look like a salamander. That's where the term gerrymander took root.

Here is a map of Brown's district, which includes portions of 9 counties. I believe it appears next to the term "gerrymandering" in the common dictionary.

National Fire Sale! For a Limited Time Only!

I have devised a simple and elegant way to lift America out of this recession by next week, or possibly sooner. I'm still working out the complicated policy language for the legislation, but I intend to have a draft bill ready to present to Congress and President Obama in about 15 minutes. Here's the gist of it:

Let's have a one week fire sale: a warehouse liquidation, you might say. Struggling corporations are laying off their employees, so why can't the federal government cut their dependent states? Think of it as "losing the dead weight". Here's how it goes: we give certain privileged nations a limited one day preferred purchase option. Precedence goes to the former colonizing owners of a given state. If they fail to meet our discounted minimum purchase price, then the states go into a one week-long auction. Now, we could hold that auction on Ebay, or at the steps of the U.S. Supreme Court. But I don't want to "cheapen" the experience for our potential buyers. Therefore the auction will be held at Christie's of London, and fine champagne and caviar will be provided. (Each bidder is limited to two food and beverage tickets.)

First on the chopping block is the doomed (I mean sunny and culturally significant) state of California. Spain will have the preferred purchase offer, but I have a feeling they will pass and Mexico will win it in the auction for 23 pesos (roughly $1.82). That's fine with us because that's $26.3 billion more than the state of California is currently worth.

Spain will also get an early chance to obtain New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, and Texas, all a part of their former colonies.

Florida will be offered in a pre-auction auction between Spain and England (former colonizers) and Germany (whose citizens love to travel here). Puerto Rico will be tacked-on to sweeten the deal.

France will be given the opportunity to buy back the entire Louisiana Purchase. I believe they will hold out for a better price, but a bidding war will erupt between France and Canada, who is looking to expand into warmer climates. The two nations will eventually compromise and split it into north/south territories, but America will ultimately score a hefty sack of gold for the sale. Win-win-win situation.

I also predict Canada will gain North Dakota, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, and Illinois. It's a good fit because they all like hockey and talk funny.

Russia will have a solid shot at Alaska. They can enjoy being cold together and drinking excessively.

We'll hold out from auctioning off Nevada. The plan is to wager it all on the craps table at the Bellagio. C'mon lucky sevens.

The Mormons can simply have Utah, free of charge. Glenn Beck will hastily establish a dictatorship.

I will buy Wyoming and Montana (using my position as Auction Czar to gain insider trading) for $3 and an old fraternity t-shirt. It's so damn beautiful up there. And I'll take out a 99-year ground lease on Oregon. I've always wanted to own a wine-producing state.

That will leave roughly the original 13 colonies, plus a handful of assorted states, under the control of the U.S. government. The country will be in excellent fiscal standing and will once again have the strongest economy in the world. Wham, bam, thank you m'am.

Common Since: Sell it all. Get out while the gettin's good. I'm going to run to the print shop after work and have some flyers drawn up.

Things I Love: Country Music Edition

I 100% genuinely love country music and everything about it. But over the years I have made some peculiar observations. Yes, country music is hokey and corny, but that is part of what makes it great. So here are a couple things I love about country. God bless 'Merica!

1) Unapologetic Patriotism. WQYK plays the National Anthem every day at 12 noon, on-the-dot. And always a different country version of it. It seems as if every country singer has recorded a version of the anthem and each one is glorious. Additionally, US 103.5's tagline is "America's Music. Country Music." So basically, if you don't love country music, you don't love America. End of discussion.

2)Pandering to the Local Market. After 50% of all country songs become a top hit, they change certain phrases to pander to specific regional sports teams. For instance, in Eric Church's "Love Your Love the Most", 'I love college football games' becomes 'I love Bucs (or Bulldogs, etc.) football games'. If they were to record a new line for every major market in the U.S., that'd be at least 50 versions. Now that's commitment to pandering. If only politicians put in as much effort...

3) Christmas Albums. No other genre of music puts out as many X-Mas albums per year as country does. Every country musician and their mother has a country album, and most of them butcher timeless classics. But since I personally do not like Christmas music, country versions are generally an improvement upon them. Best country X-Mas song: "Leroy the Redneck Reindeer" by Joe Diffie. Have a listen, try to disagree with me. God bless that man's mullet.

Workplace Mannerisms

You know you've caught yourself exhibiting the following mannerisms at work. I don't know where they originated or how they became standard operating procedure, but everyone does them. You know you have.

1) The Entrance Sigh: Letting out a disaffected sigh when you enter a room. Typically occurs when you enter the copy room to grab a printout, the breakroom when you go for coffee, or when you are carrying an armful of papers. Only applies when another person is in the room, otherwise, the sigh is mysteriously omitted from your asinine task.

2) The Wide Eyes and Upward Head Lift: Socially acceptable hallway greeting. When passing a co-worker to whom you have nothing to say, a wave or high-five is excessively exuberant, but avoiding eye-contact is awkward and creepy. The common solution is to raise your eyebrows to make your eyes wide and slightly tilt your head upward, as if to say "What a day!" or "Work, work, work!". Sidenote: Stick with the facial expressions. Never, ever utter those pitiful cliché phrases.

3) The All Clear: Checking over your shoulder to see who witnesses you entering the bathroom. Why does it matter who sees you entering the bathroom? Everyone uses it during the day, sometimes on multiple occasions. But you always glance over both shoulders before entering the lavatory just to see who notices you. It doesn't matter if they did... you just want to know.